Father Style’s Guide To Black Tie

If you’ve been reading this site with any regularity (thank you!) you are well-aware of my love for black tie.

After all, it was my research into how to put together a proper black tie rig for my wedding that really triggered my interest in classic menswear.

It was through black tie that I first learned about things like fit, proportion, and formality levels. Since black tie and its etiquette have remained largely unchanged for about 100 years, I found that those concepts applied to style in general since those things don’t really change over time.

Understanding black tie was an excellent “base” for understanding, and getting good at, menswear on the whole since it taught me the basics.

And since it’s summer, I thought it was a good time to go over black tie, in my own way, so that you have plenty of time, before things like New Year’s Eve, to maybe apply some of the things you learn here in putting together your own dinner suit.

Now… I understand that there is no shortage of articles on the internet about what black tie is and how to execute it. I’m actually a little shocked it took me this long to do one myself.

My goal with this article is not to rehash all that information that you can find readily from a myriad of other websites.

My goal today is to distill all my knowledge and experience with black tie into an easily digestible source that will be useful for all you men out there.

I won’t talk about Henry Poole. I won’t talk about white tie. I won’t talk about The Tuxedo Club.

What I WILL talk about is everything you need to check off your list in order to “do” black tie properly (and it’s not as much as you think).  

When you first delve into black tie a bit, all the rules can feel a bit intimidating. Overwhelming, even. It took me a long time to really know the ins and outs of the history and reasons behind all the rules before I felt comfortable applying them all in real life.

So, because there are a ton of “rules” around black tie, I am going to lay out for you the most important ones you need to follow as well as the ones that are more like suggestions. This will help you feel confident that you got the big stuff right without needing to worry about every single little detail.

One caveat to that is that I’m not going to waste space telling you the stupidly obvious stuff like “your best bet is to wear black or midnight blue” or “don’t cuff your trousers”. I am going to presume you know all that stuff already.

The first thing I will say about doing black tie as a dad (and you’re going to love it) is that you probably will never have to bring your kids along to black tie events!

Isn’t that excellent?! Obviously, I love spending time with my kids, but I also love having a nice evening out with my wife. If you attend any black tie events they will almost exclusively be a “no kids allowed” affair. That means you and your wife will be able to have a real adult evening. That also means that you won’t need to worry about the usual things I talk about when dressing well around kids, like wearing textures so that stains don’t show up as easily.

Nope. There will be no need for any of that in this article (although I do advise getting dressed at the venue, once you leave the house, if possible, to reduce the chance of said stains).

Honestly, your kids don’t even want to go with you to a black tie event. When my wife and I went to one a while back, we told our boys that they wouldn’t like it because it would be boring for them, which was true. That was sufficient enough of an explanation to keep them from being sad about us going out for the night without them.

While at an event, though, you do need to stay connected to your kids back home. Make sure that you keep your phone on your person. Don’t let the internet purists shame you into leaving your phone in the hotel room, or in the car, because it will mess up the “lines” of your dinner jacket. Just pop your phone in your inner breast pocket and keep it on vibrate so you can still be reached by whoever is watching your kids.

You’re also going to want to have your phone on you to snap pictures of the event so you can show your kids afterwards. It’s important for them to see pictures of Mom and Dad dressed up and on a date.

So, what are the things you NEED to nail if you’re going to do black tie? Here are the big ones…

#1 – Wear a real bow tie.

This one shouldn’t surprise you. If you’re going to a black tie event, a self-tied bow tie is absolutely non-negotiable.

When you wear a bow tie everyone always asks if it’s “real”, as in “not a clip-on”. If none of the other aspects of your black tie rig are on point, at least get this one right. It doesn’t take long to learn how to tie a bow tie and you should be good enough at it come the night of the event so it’s second nature.

Everyone you speak to at the event will notice if your bow tie is fake. In all honesty, hardly anyone will care, but they WILL notice.

Now, whether or not your tie matches the facing of your lapels and or waist covering (satin or grosgrain) is another story. This is one of those black tie “rules” that I’ve found isn’t all that practical in reality. I have a few different bow ties and dinner jackets and the facings used all look a little different. It would be almost impossible to match them so I just don’t worry about it. I would advise you not to worry about it either.

#2 – No notch lapels on your jacket.

Yes, I know there is historical precedent for notch lapels on tuxedos and I know we can all Google some old Fellows drawings to bolster our arguments (whatever they may be). But the biggest reason to eschew the notch lapel on your dinner jacket is because peak lapels and shawl collars are COOL!

None of my suits or sport coats have peaks or shawls, so a black tie event is the only time I get to wear them. Those events are special and I don’t want to wear a notch lapel and have it feel like a work function.

If you have a notch lapel on your tuxedo jacket you’ll look totally fine and hardly anyone will notice. However, if you have the choice, I would go with either a peak or a shawl.

Life is short! Live a little!

#3 – Wear a waist covering.

Many men don’t really realize how crucial a waist covering is to looking good in a tuxedo. And it’s a little surprising considering the shirt they’re wearing makes it obvious that a waist covering needs to be worn (since the studs end partway down the front of the shirt).

A waist covering, whether it’s vest or a cummerbund, can feel a little old-fashioned or dandy-ish to some men, just because they aren’t used to wearing one. Some men even think that a waist covering enhances their belly.

Nothing could be further from the truth! A waist covering is incredibly slimming!

Make sure the waist covering is situated properly and covers the waist of your trousers AND the dead shirt space between your pants and the first stud on your shirt. I actually needed to have another stud hole added to my tuxedo shirts because my cummerbund didn’t cover as much shirt as I needed it to.

And don’t worry about the “wear a vest with a peak lapel jacket and a cummerbund with a shawl collar jacket” rule. I wear a cummerbund with both my peak and shawl jackets and it looks great with both.

#4 – Wear a tuxedo shirt.

You can’t get around this one. You can’t just wear the regular French cuff shirt you wear to the office. You need the special shirt that has the little holes for the studs. My tux shirts are marcella bib front shirts which means there is a square bit on the front of the shirt (also on the cuffs and collar) that is a different weave of cotton than the rest of the shirt (kind of a puckered texture). It makes the shirt look fancy!

The biggest reason for the tux shirt over the regular French cuff shirt is so that you can fasten studs to the placket of the shirt. This will be another thing people WILL notice at the event. If you’re wearing a shirt with regular buttons, it won’t look nearly as good as if you went all the way and wore studs.

#5 – Purchase your own tuxedo.

This one is definitely much harder for some people, but if you are able to purchase your own tuxedo (instead of renting one) then I definitely recommend it.

This is a common piece of advice in pretty much all “black tie advice” articles and I do feel the need to repeat it here.

Your own tux will definitely look better than one you rented. Because of that, you’ll look MUCH better in it. Your wife will LOVE how you look in a tuxedo that is tailored just to you and it doesn’t matter what your body type is. Rented tuxedos just don’t have that same sex appeal.

And renting a tuxedo is actually MORE of a hassle than just buying one and getting it tailored. If you need to rent a tux more than once in your life, you’ve already probably paid more than if you just bought one straight away. And if you rent a tux more than once, you need to get it tailored more than once.

Another benefit, these days, of buying a tuxedo is the amount of CHOICE you guys have now! When I was just getting started in menswear and was looking to build a proper black tie rig, there were hardly ANY men’s clothing stores that sold “correct” tuxedos. Every tux I found either had notch lapels, or center vents, or two buttons, or pocket flaps, or something else that was, in my mind, an egregious error.

I actually had the pocket flaps REMOVED from the dinner jacket I bought from Brooks Brothers before my wedding, much to the salesman’s horror. The tailor in the old Brooks flagship on Madison Avenue totally understood, though! I told him I wanted the pocket flaps removed and he was like “Yeah, I get it”.

I mean, seriously, Brooks Brothers? To not have a proper dinner jacket is pretty lame.

It wasn’t until I wandered into a Charles Tyrwhitt on Seventh Avenue that I found an ENTIRELY correct dinner suit. It was the only ready-to-wear shop at the time that had a selection of proper tuxedos, with all the correct details. I don’t think Suit Supply was around at that point, or if they were, I wasn’t aware of them.

Nowadays, proper tuxedos are fairly common and you can find them pretty easily, since more classic style has made a bit of a comeback.

Of course, if you’re someone whose budget is in the thousands, then I am sure you can find proper tuxedos more easily than the rest of us who rely on the “high street” or “mall” shops for our clothes.

So, now that I have laid down the most important rules to follow, here are the rules you DON’T need to worry about.

#1 – Don’t worry about whether or not you should wear a watch.

I know the “rule” is that you shouldn’t wear a watch to a black tie event because you’re supposed to be having fun and checking the time will offend your hosts… or something.

This rule is stupid.

No one cares if you wear a watch. If you want to leave off the watch because you just like following all the rules, then fine. But if you LIKE wearing a watch then don’t make yourself uncomfortable just to follow the rule.

I wear a watch all the time and I wear a watch every single time I wear my tuxedo. Like any other normal person, keeping track of the time is something I enjoy. I also like knowing exactly when the kids are in bed.

#2 – Don’t worry too much about your shoes.

I know the rule states you should wear either patent oxfords or some sort of formal slipper, but I don’t abide by that one.

I have a pair of black cap-toe oxfords I wear with my other formal-leaning suits and they work just fine with my tuxedos.

Shoes aren’t like jackets. If your jacket is a little uncomfortable or doesn’t fit 100% then you can more or less deal with it for an evening. If your shoes are uncomfortable then your night will be absolute misery! If you have a hard time finding comfortable shoes, don’t get tied into knots trying to find special shoes to go with your tux.

Just wear your regular black (shined) business shoes and you’ll be just fine.

#3 – Don’t worry about matching your metals.

I mentioned this in an article I wrote some years ago about general menswear rules to keep and rules to discard and “match your metals” was on the top of the “rules to discard” list.

If you’re wearing silver cufflinks, go right ahead and wear your gold watch. If you’re wearing silver studs, it’s ok to wear that vintage set of gold links.

You get the idea.

The reason why you shouldn’t worry about matching your metals is because it shouldn’t look like you bought all your accessories in a set. Sure, your studs and links might have come together, but maybe not. Maybe you have a nice pair of cufflinks someone gifted you. Are you NOT going to wear them because they don’t match your studs? Are you going to go out and buy more studs in order to match your links? I mean, you could but that seems a little too fussy to me.

If you take my advice and relax regarding these particular rules a little bit, you might not get the fawning adulation from the internet menswear community, since they are always quick to point out every single little perceived flaw in presentation and execution.

But that should be fine with you. As a variation of the saying goes, the internet menswear community is full of people who know everything about clothes except how to enjoy them.

Ok, now that we have covered the big, important stuff, here are a handful of final thoughts on black tie…

Don’t get “cute”.

What I mean by that is, don’t try to “express yourself” with a burst of color in your pocket square or by wearing “fun” socks or any of that other silliness.

Many men get the notion that regular black tie, executed properly, is boring because it’s so simple. It isn’t! The coolest thing about black tie is precisely the fact that it’s so simple! It’s the stark black-and-white look that’s SO striking and different from anything we wear in our normal day-to-day.

You’ll actually make yourself look less interesting and less cool if you try to add little personal flourishes. Trust the formula that has worked for the last century. Don’t try to mess with perfection.

The biggest thing to remember about looking good in your tuxedo is to HAVE FUN! Yes, you’re out at a nice event and because you like menswear it’s exciting because you get to wear something fun and interesting. However, if you don’t loosen up and have a little fun, it’s all for nothing. Dance with your wife! Smile at everyone. Talk to the other couples at dinner. Make small talk with the staff. Tip generously.

Remember, our clothes are means to an end. They are not the end themselves.

This means that if you get all dolled up in your tux and then sit perfectly still in the corner all night taking Instagram selfies and making sure your clothes don’t get wrinkled, you’re doing it wrong. The wearing of the tuxedo will get all rolled up, along with the food, booze, and band, into the mental mosaic of the great night you had with your wife. It’s the night you’ll remember and cherish, not so much the actual wearing of the tuxedo.

The tux should be the tool you’re using to have a great night out with your wife. If it’s perfectly pristine when you both retire to your hotel room, you’re not living life properly.

At the end of the night, your tux should be a little wrinkled. Your shirt should be a little sweaty from dancing. There should be a wine stain or two. Your jacket should have some of your wife’s makeup on the shoulder. It’s a suit for partying for goodness sake!

When we wear black tie, sometimes we can be a little in awe of the specialness and coolness of the garment. But don’t let it intimidate you.

Our clothes accompany us on the adventures of life, they don’t provide the adventures.

That’s up to us.