The Case Against Sandals

Welcome to another edition of “The Case Against…” series!

Up to now, I have resisted writing an article about sandals. That was mainly because I felt like it was “low-hanging fruit”. It felt a little too easy to rail against sandals so I didn’t feel like there was much of a point, or value in it for you, the reader.

Unfortunately, over the past few years sandals have become quite trendy. We are still in the midst of the Birkenstock revival and it was only a short while ago that loons on the internet were trying to make you believe that pool-slides-with-socks were a good idea.

And who calls them “pool slides” anyway? They’re “shower shoes”.

So, with the warm weather rapidly approaching, the time has come for me to give you my take on sandals.

In my opinion, the biggest issue with sandals is the same as with “casual” sport coats: there’s always a better option.

Sandals are terribly impractical for pretty much anything. They don’t protect the foot in any meaningful way (other than the sole) which makes them insufficient for walking on surfaces with rocks, sticks, or anything that might come into contact with any part of the foot other than the bottom. Sandals also allow pebbles and other debris to wedge between your foot and the sole of the sandal.

And, despite their name, they are also one of the worst options for walking on sand, since the open design causes the sandals to act like little shovels, picking up (and often flinging) piles of sand with each step!

When it comes to foot protection, though, I’m reminded of the time I was walking through a parking garage and slashed the side of my foot against a rusty bolt sticking out of the ground. The bolt ripped a hole through the canvas upper of my boat shoe right near my pinky toe. Had I been wearing open-toed shoes, I would have ended up in the hospital. Luckily, I wasn’t so it was just a minor annoyance.

If you’re walking anywhere with questionable terrain, you’re much better off in a pair of boots or plain ‘ol sneakers.

Sandals are also difficult to run in, which limits their practicality, since one ostensibly would wear them for leisure pursuits. And as dads, we need to think about, not only playing with our kids (which often involves running) but protecting them, too. It’s an unfortunate truth that there might come a time when you need to pick up your kids and run with them. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my footwear to limit my ability to protect my family.

Are sandals easy to put on and take off? Yes. But so are alternatives like boat shoes and espadrilles. And really, is the time taken to tie shoelaces really all that problematic?

Sandal proponents often say that they love the airflow that sandals provide since it keeps their feet cool. In my opinion, this “benefit” is of little real value. Is having a breeze on one’s feet all that important? Unless you have some sort of sensory issue, that’s certainly not enough to outweigh all the other drawbacks.

Basically, sandals don’t DO anything particularly well.

Now that we’ve established that sandals are impractical, let’s talk about the other major problem with them…

They’re ugly.

Well, more specifically, they’ll make YOU look ugly.

The CEO of a menswear company once told me that men’s necks aren’t attractive which is why we always look better when we wear collared shirts.

It’s the same thing with sandals.

Your toes are not attractive. There should never be a time (other than at the beach or pool) when your toes are visible to the rest of the world. Women can get away with showing off their toes because they devote a lot of time to making them look nice! They get pedicures and paint their nails and use lotions and stuff, specifically because they wear open-toed shoes a lot.

Are you devoting all that time to your toes? I highly doubt it.

There will never be a time when showing your toes makes your outfit look better. It will always detract from your overall look. If you happen to look good while wearing sandals, it’s in spite of them, not because of them.

Also, no woman has ever thought sandals looked sexy.

When it comes to looking good, get the easy stuff right. One of the easiest things to do to help you look stylish and elegant is to cover your feet while in public.

If a specific clothing choice has the potential to gross people out, it’s better to just steer clear of that item entirely.

There are plenty of alternatives to sandals.

In my opinion, boat shoes are the best. They are light, casual, comfortable, provide moderate protection for the foot and can be slipped on and off with ease. They’re also pretty durable, since they are made to get wet. And when they get wet, they hug your foot like a glove, unlike sandals that slide around under your foot when your foot is wet (or dusty). I honestly don’t see any benefit of wearing a sandal over a boat shoe.

I have two pairs of Sperry boat shoes that have both lasted over ten years. One pair is leather and cost me a little over $100. My other pair is the canvas pair I mentioned earlier. That pair cost $60 and is one of the most versatile pairs of shoes I own.

I’ve heard of people disliking boat shoes because of the “frat boy” connotations. But do people really think that? It might be because I’m from the northeast, but that feels like something the internet made up.

Like I mentioned earlier, espadrilles are another good, casual alternative to sandals.

If you want to jazz things up a little, a regular loafer makes a great summer shoe, but I get it if you need something a little more utilitarian. That’s why the boat shoe is the best choice.

My main point when it comes to sandals is that they are, more often than not, a major unforced style error. Your feet are not attractive and they’ll only get more and more unattractive as you get older.

So, my advice is to keep your feet under wraps this spring and summer.