Decrease Your Wife’s Mental Load By Dressing Like A Grown-Up

I’ve written before about the “mental load”.

Are you familiar with the mental load? Well, if you aren’t, let me give you a quick rundown…

The mental load refers to all the unseen intellectual work that goes in to completing the common, everyday tasks that form the foundation of a functional household. Something like packing the kids’ lunches isn’t JUST the task of physically putting the food in the bags. It’s the grocery shopping the week prior. It’s remembering how much peanut butter or tuna fish there is in the cabinet. It’s remembering which kid has a class trip this week which requires a school lunch (oh crap, did we remember to send back the permission slip? Better pack a fresh change of clothes that day, too! Who’s picking them up that day? Gotta check my work schedule…).

Now, the mental load is really just the normal thought processes that accompany being an adult and a parent. But it can be very stressful if it falls disproportionately to one person in a relationship.

Most of the mental load of a household falls to Mom, as Mom is often the default parent (partially for reasons I outline here). As conscientious dads and husbands, we never want to ADD to our wives’ mental loads.

The majority of content I see regarding the mental load centers around domestic labor like packing lunches, washing dishes, doing laundry, or cooking dinner.

But I have never seen the mental load talked about as it pertains to clothing.

More specifically… your personal clothing choices could be contributing to your wife’s mental load.

This is one of the many reasons why knowing how to dress well is so important (as if you needed any more).

When you don’t know how (or refuse) to dress properly (meaning: putting in an effort to look like a respectable grown-up and, at the very least, match the formality level of your wife), it puts an unseen burden on your wife.

Think of all the things in your life that you should probably get dressed up for like school events, holiday get-togethers, dinner dates, church, or parent/teacher conferences. If you don’t care about how you look, your wife is going to be the one carrying the mental load of making sure you look presentable.

SHE will be the one thinking ahead about what events you guys have coming up. SHE will make sure your white shirt is clean and pressed. SHE will pick up your suit from the cleaners. SHE will do the laundry the night before to make sure you have the right socks that match your trousers. SHE will pick out the right tie for the occasion.

She’ll even have to do this for events that just involve you, like interviews or big work presentations. She’s going to think “Ugh, he has an important meeting tomorrow. I should probably run a lint roller over his jacket and shine his shoes for good measure.”

If you’re going on vacation, even if it’s only for a couple days, not only is she going to have to pack for the kids (because Mom usually handles that, doesn’t she?), but she is also going to have to pack for you!

You will essentially be adding another person to the list of people whom your wife needs to take care of.

That’s not sexy.

When an instance arises that requires dressing well, your wife should feel relaxed knowing you’ve got it covered and you understand how to dress yourself elegantly and respectfully. You shouldn’t burden her with figuring out what YOU should wear. She’s thinking about her own outfit (and most likely the outfits of the children).

If you constantly put that burden on her, you also dump on her the emotional labor of trying to figure out how to talk to you about it without upsetting you. Because if you’re dragging your feet with getting your style and wardrobe in order, your wife has probably tried (more than once) to gently encourage you.

How have you responded to that? I bet you got defensive. I bet you said it wasn’t a big deal. I bet you said something like “I just like to be comfortable!” or “People who get dressed up like that are fake anyway!”

You know what happens then? She unwillingly fulfills the stereotype of the “Nagging Wife” since she has to constantly hound you about how you dress so that you don’t embarrass the family.

That’s not the wife she wants to be! Don’t force her to be that. Additionally, you’ll be fulfilling the stereotype of the clueless, oafish dad. Is that what you want to be? Is that the example you want to set for your kids?

Look, you already know that a lot of stuff already falls to Mom. Don’t saddle her with the extra responsibility of constantly trying to keep you looking presentable.

You and your wife are the leaders of the family. The way you, as the dad, dress reflects, either positively or negatively, on the family. Represent the family properly. If you dress like crap, it creates a poor impression on others of not only you, but of your kids and your wife, just by their association with you.

Is that what you want?

Not knowing how to dress and putting that burden on your wife is massively disrespectful to her and inconsiderate of her time. It would be like forcing your wife to drive you work every day because you just didn’t feel like learning how to drive. Wouldn’t that be annoying and inconvenient for her? Yeah, exactly.

I’m not saying you have to go around in a 3-piece suit all the time. All I’m saying is that you should take control of your style and get a handle on how to dress respectfully in different circumstances. If you find that your wife has to handle some of that for you, it means that she’s doing more mental heavy-lifting than she should.

If you bought a bunch of stuff at the store, would you leave the heavy bag in the car until your wife brought it in? Of course not! You’d be proactive in bringing it in yourself. And if you saw your wife carrying that heavy bag, you’d immediately run over and take it from her so she wouldn’t have to carry it.

Your style is the bag of heavy stuff in this analogy. Don’t make your wife carry it.

A lot of what makes us attractive in the eyes of our spouses is capability. It’s attractive to your wife if you know how to dress for different scenarios. It shows that you have confidence and know how to navigate the world.

If your wife cringes at your clothes, it’s much more than a momentary expression. It indicates that she is probably hauling that mental load around with her every day.

Hopefully most of you reading this article don’t need this advice. But I bet there are some guys out there who are looking for the extra nudge to make their wardrobe a priority. Consider this article that nudge.

Your clothing choices don’t just affect you. Sure, dressing well is primarily done for yourself, but some guys just don’t feel they need that extra bump in their lives (for whatever reason). If you’re one of those guys, don’t just do it for yourself… do it for the benefit of your wife or girlfriend.

For the guys who have been slacking when it comes to dressing like an adult, be aware that someone ELSE is picking up that slack… and that someone is probably your wife. Step up and take at least that portion of her daily mental load off her plate.