We’re All Mad Here

I’ve written a couple times before about anxiety, specifically about how both menswear and The Twilight Zone have helped me deal with my own anxiety.

One of the really insidious things about anxiety is how isolating it is. I always think I am alone in how I feel. When something makes me nervous, I am convinced I am the only one who feels that way.

When it comes to stressful situations, it isn’t often the situation itself that causes me anxiety, but the prospect of feeling anxious in that situation. In other words, I know that I’ll probably feel uncomfortable and, since I know that that feeling is unpleasant, I tend to fear the feeling and not so much the situation.

It’s the fear of being anxious that makes me anxious.

I think that comes from the perceived shame and embarrassment of feeling like I’m the only loony person in the room. I don’t want people to look at me and see that I am uncomfortable. And if I start to get really nervous, I am afraid it will snowball into something I won’t have complete control of.

In those moments, I look around and think, “Why is this so hard for me? Why can’t I just be like everyone else?”

What I don’t realize in those moments is that everyone carries anxieties. They might not mirror mine but they might be as, or even more, severe.

Everyone is dealing with something. And understanding that has been incredibly helpful for my own anxiety management. It has provided comfort to me knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way.

Here is what got me thinking about all of this…

Last week, I got blood work done as part of my annual physical. Anything medical-related triggers my anxiety, since it makes me feel like I am not in control. Even though it made me uncomfortable, I did it anyway, since I don’t want to lose my handle on my health now that I am in my forties. Even though I have an aversion to going to the doctor, I really don’t want to inadvertently pass that discomfort along to my kids if they notice that I don’t get my check-ups as often as I should. It’s a little loose thread of my personality that I want to tie up for the benefit of my children.

So, despite it causing me a heap of anxiety, I went ahead and got my damn blood drawn.

As I sat in the hospital lab waiting room, I had all the familiar thoughts that accompany my anxiety.

“Everyone else is so calm. It’s so easy for them!”

“Why am I the only one who feels like this?”

“I shouldn’t feel this way. This should be easy!”

“I bet everyone notices how nervous I am!”

“I must look so ridiculous!”

After about ten minutes, the nurse called my name and led me into the exam room. I expressed that I would prefer to lie down during the process. The only bed available was under a slowly spinning mobile decorated with animals which, while ostensibly for children, was a welcomed distraction all the same for this grown-ass man.

The nurse was incredibly skilled and gentle during the blood draw and even got me a carton of apple juice afterwards. Honestly, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get a sticker or a lollipop too, but at that point I was just relieved that everything was done.

Later in the week, I was working from the lobby of a local library (home is where the Wi-Fi is!) when two people (a man and a woman) walked past me into a stairwell heading down to the basement floor where there are some general-use community rooms.

As they walked behind me, I overheard a fraction of their conversation. The man said to the woman that he appreciated that they were taking the stairs because he can’t be in elevators for any length of time given his claustrophobia. The library is only two floors, which means that an elevator ride would have only been ten or fifteen seconds at most. But this man must have determined that that would have been too much.

I began to think about how hard this man’s life must be and it really helped put my own anxiety into perspective. If he finds it so difficult to go one floor in an elevator could he ever hold an in-person office job? Can he ever stay in a hotel? Or visit any big city? Can he ever ride a plane or a train? Or take an Uber? Can he manage crowded places like zoos or museums?

I bet these limitations severely hinder where he can live, work, and go on vacation. I bet it hinders his ability to make friends and find romantic partners.

Basically, this guy is dealing with some STUFF. And I bet he feels isolated like I do, thinking he is the only crazy person in the room.

But while his anxiety doesn’t totally match mine (I too have touches of claustrophobia, though not nearly on that level), hearing him express it so casually, openly, and unapologetically was a reminder for me that WE ALL deal with things like that, to some degree. And they are nothing to be ashamed about. Anxiety sucks enough without the feeling like we should be embarrassed about it.

I need to keep in mind that while I’m anxious about some things like getting my blood drawn, I might be sitting next to someone in the waiting room who is equally as anxious at the prospect of being in the exam room with the door shut! And in that moment, we would both trade for the other’s anxiety thinking they have it easier.

You just never know what makes someone uncomfortable for whatever reason and those feelings are valid.

Sometimes when I feel anxious I think about my dad. He once said he would rather jump out of an airplane than speak in front of people. It wasn’t hyperbole. Since he DID have to jump out planes during his military training, he knew exactly what it felt like!

When I was younger, I found that to be so odd. How could someone possibly choose jumping out of an airplane over something as comparatively simple as public speaking?

My dad never had any problem getting his blood drawn, which was always a source of embarrassment for me. I always wished I could be like him in that regard. But as an adult, I recognize that, while Dad’s anxiety didn’t manifest in an aversion to needles, he constantly self-medicated with alcohol to manage his general day-to-day anxiety (which none of us knew he had until the end of his life). So, it’s possible that my level of anxiety isn’t anything near what he dealt with.

Anxiety just hits everyone differently.

It used to make me feel bad about myself if a “normal” situation made me anxious. But you know that saying about how bravery feels like fear if you’re doing it right? That’s true.

Feeling anxious in a situation isn’t something you should feel bad about. And you can’t let it stop you from living your life. I hope that guy in the library has found manageable ways to address his anxieties which allow him to live a fulfilling life.

What’s the purpose of this article?

The reason I wrote this article was to help others who might be struggling to manage, not only their anxiety, but all the feelings that accompany anxiety. It’s not uncommon for anxiety to cause feelings of shame, embarrassment, loneliness, and low self-esteem.

When I was younger and struggling to get a handle on my own anxiety, the internet wasn’t really a thing yet so I didn’t have a way to see that I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I did. I lived so long with the “truth” that I was alone that it didn’t occur to me to seek out advice and community once I got older.

Now that I have a much healthier perspective on the subject, I want to provide helpful, encouraging content for people who felt like I did.

Talking about it helps immensely. The more we all talk about it, the less scary it all is and the less alone we will all feel. Trust me, no one will think less of you if they know about the things that make you anxious. If anything, they’ll feel comforted in knowing they aren’t the only one.