No, Women’s Standards Are NOT Too High

There’s a phrase, “write what you know”. That’s what I do. I write about clothing and being a dad and how those two things intersect.

I like to stay in my lane.

Operating in the “men’s interest” space, specifically on social media, brings me into contact with topics that are somewhat adjacent to menswear and fatherhood. Things like fitness, cars, sports. Stuff like that.

That’s the kind of stuff my algorithms feed me.

On the surface, that’s not problematic. But occasionally I see some stuff floating around the periphery of that space that causes me to worry a little bit and that’s what I would like to address today.

If your algorithms look like mine (and I suspect they do), you have probably heard troubling statistics regarding men. They’re less likely than women to go to college. They’re more likely than women to be unemployed. They’re more likely than women to succeed in killing themselves.

That is all very concerning and it’s all stuff we should be talking about.

Unfortunately, conversations regarding this “loneliness epidemic” as it’s often called, become quite toxic. The reason they become toxic is because there is an online community (usually full of dudes who say things like “I’m just asking questions”) that is quick to point the fingers of blame at (and you might have already guessed it)…

Women.

Many men who regularly engage with these damaging “manosphere” communities are led to believe that modern women’s standards are just too high. We’ve all seen the stats about how an average guy has to swipe hundreds of times in order to get one date on popular dating apps. We’ve also all seen the “Six-Foot-Five In Finance” memes.

We’re told that most of the women on those apps are competing for the top sliver of men and leaving everyone else in the cold. That causes men to become bitter and withdrawn, as they feel like they have no hope of succeeding, romantically, because women’s standards are unrealistic.

But there are two very big problems here. I’ll address both separately.

“Very Big Problem Number One” deals with the question of how high a woman’s standards should be and it actually has two parts within it. First, is the assumption that women’s standards are too high simply because many men in the online dating world find it hard to succeed in that medium. In truth, a person’s standards are not “too high” simply because someone else has trouble meeting them. If you can’t or don’t meet someone’s standards, it’s not on THEM to adjust. Will they be working from a smaller pool of potential mates? Yes. But if that doesn’t bother them, then why should they change?

Second, is the assumption that having high standards is a bad thing. In actuality, society improves when we ALL have high standards for our partners. Yes, women SHOULD have high standards because it forces men to better themselves in order to succeed in a competitive romantic landscape.

That’s the free market at work! Competition makes things better! If you want the prize, you have to work for it. You’re not entitled to a romantic partner just because you have a pulse. You have to earn a romantic partner by being the best version of yourself (whatever that might look like), just like you have to earn a good job, or a comfortable bank account, or a nice vacation, or a healthy relationship with your children, or any of the other wonderful things in life.

“But women only want men who are handsome and rich!”

No, that’s what’s fed to you by your insidious algorithms and the data from dating apps, which brings me to “Very Big Problem Number Two” which is…

Men are using dating apps as the basis for their entire argument that women’s standards are too high.

The reason that is a problem is because many dating apps are set up to allow only the best looking to succeed, which makes sense given they are a visual medium. They are not the ideal tool for most men to use when looking for a partner. Why? Because most guys (like most women) are pretty average looking. So, why put all your eggs in a basket that doesn’t emphasize your best attributes?

One convenient nugget that’s left out of the lamentation of “all women only go for the top 10% of men on dating apps” (or whatever the percentage is) is that I bet all men are only going after the top 10% of women, too! Again, it’s all visual, so it makes sense. But be honest, how many men are really accepting dates with average looking women on those apps in order to “give her a chance because she might have a great personality”?

Not many, I’d wager. So don’t apply a standard to others that you wouldn’t apply to yourself.

The issue with many dating apps is that they don’t communicate someone’s warmth, charisma, kindness, or confidence. You usually have to be in person for those.

Just because you’re not successful on a dating app doesn’t mean women have unreasonable standards or that you will be unsuccessful in other “dating” environments or circumstances.

Would you say Lionel Messi is a bad athlete because he can’t dunk a basketball? Of course not.

Find a way to play the game on your terms. Be kind. Dress well. Have hobbies. Read a book. And maybe most importantly…

GET OFF YOUR PHONE!

I know, everything is online now, so what’s wrong with using the internet for dating, too?

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with using the internet for dating. I know lots of people who have met their partners online. Meeting and getting to know someone online isn’t the problem.

The problem is when you combine the expectation of immediate gratification with the reality of too much choice. Remember, apps are designed to be easy to use and engaging so that you get addicted to them.

Online dating isn’t the problem. Treating dating like you’re shopping on Amazon is.

And I get that it’s very hard to not want to do everything on your phone, especially for young people who have literally never known any other kind of world.

But you want to know what would go a long way in helping to address this whole “men’s loneliness epidemic” thing? If men said to themselves, “Hmmm.. I’m not getting much traction on this dating app because it’s not built to communicate my best traits. I’m going to go volunteer or join a group or something.”

Maybe a lot of this doesn’t apply to you. That’s ok. I get that most of my audience consists of guys who already have wives or partners and have been out of the dating world for some time.

But some of you are young guys who are just starting out and are looking for advice on how to navigate your professional and romantic lives. Trust me, you will be doing yourself a major disservice if you get pulled into the communities that try to pin all of men’s issues on women. Unfortunately, engaging with “men’s content” online puts us all in close proximity to those jokers so we have to stay vigilant.

And even for the guys reading this who already have wives… it’s damaging for you, too, to engage with that content because it will slowly and subtly poison your views on women. Do you really want those kinds of viewpoints guiding how you interact with your wife or daughter?

The challenges that men face are real. No one is denying that. But let’s keep some perspective… don’t let the little plastic toy in your pocket shape your view on half the population. The online world is not representative of the real world.

Remember, women don’t need to adjust their standards regardless of how high they might seem. High standards encourage others to be better versions of themselves.

But if you’re feeling down and out, put down the phone and stop engaging with negative, problematic content.

You’ll be a much better man for it.