Why Dress Codes Are OK
I recently read an article online about some wedding where the bride and groom specified a dress code on their invitations (and, no, I won’t Google the article to provide a link because I am far too lazy for that).
So far, nothing too weird or out of the ordinary, right?
Well, apparently when this couple posted about their wedding-day sartorial preferences, their social media downright blew up with people accusing the couple of being selfish and trying to “control the lives” of their guests.
Some expressed concern about how adhering to a dress code might be prohibitive from a cost perspective for some guests.
Woah.
It is my opinion that dress codes are not only OK, but they are actually considerate and a form of good etiquette.
It should be obvious that MOST people care, on some level, about how they look and what they wear. Some people don’t, but the vast majority of people do.
Most people also understand that weddings are humongous, expensive parties thrown in honor of the couple getting married. Whatever their whims are for that day goes, and everyone else just kind of smiles and plays along.
When real, honest-to-goodness grown-ups attend an event like that, they want to know what “appropriate dress” looks like for that day. They don’t want to be overdressed or underdressed because they know that sticking out would be impolite. They understand that the couple getting married (or the people throwing the party, if the event isn’t a wedding) have a particular “vision” for the event. Not everyone wants their shindig to have an uber-casual, backyard BBQ feel to it. Some people actually ENJOY when things feel a little fancy and enjoy seeing people dressed nicely.
All of that is ok.
So, those normal grown-ups find it helpful when a specific dress code is clearly written on the invitation.
If a normal grown-up sees “cocktail attire” (or something equally clear-cut) on the invitation, it removes any doubt as to what the organizers want that event to look like. And the reason it’s polite to dress in a way that the organizers prefer is because THEY ARE PAYING FOR THE DAMN THING!
If you’re paying for my steak and wine, I’ll happily wear a chicken costume if you want me to.
Complaining about a dress code is tacky. It’s low-rent. It’s immature. It shows that you’re trying to make the night all about you.
Might you be a little uncomfortable, wearing clothes that you don’t really like? Maybe. Might you need to buy something new in order to adhere to the dress code? Maybe. Might you not want to attend because the dress code either makes you feel uncomfortable or is cost-prohibitive? Maybe.
But those are all YOU problems. You might be one of 100 guests. Do you really think that the couple is seriously considering all the tastes of all 100 people on their list? Do you really think that because YOU don’t like wearing a tie the couple should amend their dress code to cater to you?
If you think those things… why? It’s not your event. It’s not your night. If you want to attend an event with a dress code that perfectly matches all of your preferences and financial circumstances then host one yourself.
If you can’t adhere to the dress code then you shouldn’t attend the event.
No, don’t ask the organizers if you can wear something different. That’s inconsiderate and puts them in an awkward situation. It will force them to either tell you, flat-out, not to come OR it forces them to coddle you like a baby and reassure you that it’s ok to dress in Crocs and cargo shorts because you’re a super-duper special boy and the most important thing on their wedding day is making sure that YOU are comfortable.
Are you starting to see how you come across when you complain about a dress code? You come across like a child. A real man doesn’t need to have his needs met 100% of the time. He knows when to politely fade into the background.
And that’s the point of a dress code. You’re not supposed to stick out. You’re supposed to dress exactly like everyone else there so that you all create a sort of cohesive visual tapestry of the evening. Everyone looks similar so no one stands out in a weird, jarring way. And if everyone is on the same level of formality, it elevates the “specialness” of the evening.
Some people think that specifying a dress code is rude. But, really, the opposite is true. Real adults like knowing exactly what’s expected so that they can meet those expectations. Dress codes make that easy.
Immature people are the ones who chafe at dress codes if it means they need to dress at least somewhat outside of their preferences. It’s no different than a child who fusses when you wipe the chocolate off their face before going to church.
Don’t be like that.
Complaining about a dress code forces other people to deal with YOUR problems. You can’t afford to rent/buy a tux? Fine. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve been poor before. But I didn’t force other people to have to deal with my poorness. I didn’t force my problems on others. I didn’t make other people lower their expectations simply because I was unable to meet them.
Yes, I get it that you might not be able to attend an event you want to attend. That happens. But again, that’s not a problem that the organizers of the event are obligated to solve.
Getting invited to an event, no matter the formality, is a really nice, cool thing. The very least you can do is adhere to the stated dress code. In comparison to planning and paying for an event, throwing on a jacket and tie is relatively easy. Adhering to a dress code is a very basic expression of appreciation and the very least you can do.
Complaining about a dress code, underneath it all, is selfish. It implies that EVERYONE’S parties should be curated specifically for you, even if you have nothing to do with them.
Complying with a dress code, on the other hand, is an acknowledgement that the world doesn’t revolve around you. People have different tastes. That’s ok.
If you don’t want to adhere to a dress code then don’t attend the event. Be offended if you want, but what you’ll eventually come to realize is that, if that’s how you think about this stuff, no one will miss you.
