Marriage Isn’t Work, It’s Effort
Today we’re going to talk about work versus effort when it comes to marriage. Many people think work and effort are basically the same thing, but they’re wrong.
The purpose of this article is to show you that expecting marriage to be work will have a negative effect on your relationship.
We’ve all heard that the key to a good marriage is putting in the work. The intent of that advice isn’t bad. And I get what’s trying to be said… basically that you shouldn’t expect everything to be sunshine and roses all the time. But having the expectation that your marriage should require work will put you in the wrong frame of mind to actually have a good relationship.
Let me ask you… what frame of mind are you in before you hit the gym or jump into a packed workday? You’re probably pretty serious because those instances require hard work. Does expecting something to be hard work allow you to feel your most positive or optimistic? Are you more or less likely to feel grace and humor and thankfulness while completing that work?
Expecting marriage to be work does not set you up for success. The idea of “hard work” closes you off, emotionally, from actually enjoying your marriage!
I’ve mentioned a million times in this space that my wife and I often do at-home dates. On weekend afternoons, my wife whips up something delicious in the kitchen and I mix Manhattans. We sit and talk and laugh for a few hours while the kids play or watch a movie and eat their lunches. After that, we drink tea by the fire together until it’s time to start prepping dinner. On Sundays, we dress up and have a family dinner before putting the kids to bed and watching one of our favorite old movies.
That’s the effort my wife and I put into our marriage. But does any of that sound like WORK to you? Drinking bourbon and chatting with your favorite person? It’s the life!
This is how we connect. This is how we unwind together. This is what we do to fortify our marriage. We both are committed to making the day special. There is a lot of effort that goes into it.
But none of it is work. It’s effort and it’s FUN!
I think that’s what a lot of people lose sight of. The effort you put into your marriage should be fun!
If you find that your marriage is consistent work then something is amiss.
Having the expectation that marriage should be work also sets you up to tolerate a bad relationship.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you think that having to grind out your existence with your partner is just normal, then the fact that you aren’t having any fun and everything is an argument and you often end the day angry doesn’t faze you like it should.
Being married to your wife should be fun. I get that it won’t be fun all the time. That’s normal. But taken as a whole, your life with your wife should be fun.
Again, the effort is fun.
Anything worthwhile takes effort and constant monitoring and tending. I wrote about this when I wrote my article about how, as a parent, you’ll never be relaxed again.
That lack of relaxation isn’t a bad thing. It means you created something incredible and special that you need to keep an eye on.
It’s why people always say “do what you love because then you’ll never work a day in your life”. They don’t mean that your life will be smooth and frictionless forever. It’s assumed that anything you make a living doing will be challenging. They mean that the energy it takes to sustain your life will be effort and not work.
Once you stop thinking that your marriage needs to be work and instead start putting in more effort I think you’ll find that your relationship can be a hell of a lot of fun!
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