Conditional Love Vs. Unconditional Love (And Why The Difference Is Important)
Love.
We all recognize it when we feel it. But there are different kinds of love that are reserved for different people.
We love spouses, children, friends, parents, and animals in their own ways, but even though they are all very different feelings, they are all grouped together under the canopy of love.
The biggest distinction between all those variations of love is whether or not the love in question is conditional or unconditional. The reason why that distinction is important is because understanding what category in which a particular love falls helps ensure that love’s endurance.
Let me explain…
I have made it a point to tell my children that Mommy and Daddy love them unconditionally. I then explain that “unconditional” means that it doesn’t depend on anything. It will always be there no matter what happens. They can never do anything to affect it. It will never, ever go away.
I have told them that, between humans (since we can unconditionally love our pets), the only unconditional love that exists is a parent’s love for his or her child. Parents love their children without expecting anything from them in return.
That’s the way it should be. Children shouldn’t have to put in any work for their parents to love them.
Kids don’t owe their parents anything. Is it reasonable for a parent to expect their children to show respect, treat people with kindness, help out around the house, and work hard? Absolutely. Those things are just normal expectations. But in the grander scheme of things parents should not feel as if their children owe something to them. I mean, it’s not like they had a say in what family they’re a part of.
I didn’t become a parent because I felt like I was going to get something out of it. I don’t take care of my children with the expectation that they will repay me later.
The love that I pass to my children, in my mind, is a one-way street. If they decide to pass love back to me, then that’s wonderful! But my job is to love THEM without any conditions or expectations whatsoever.
They get my love no matter what. What they do with it after that is up to them.
So, for unconditional love, the only version that exists is the love from a parent to their child.
All other forms of love fall into the category of conditional love, even the love that a child has for their parent.
This might surprise some people, since parents give their children, you know, life.
But, again, children are under no obligation to love their parents. If a parent is a bully or is abusive, would we say that their child needs to love them simply because they’re family? Of course not.
A child’s love for their parent CAN go away. The conditions surrounding their love for their parent need to be met by the parent in order for that love to continue. A parent takes their child’s love for granted at their extreme peril.
And that’s what I mean about needing to understand the distinction between conditional and unconditional love in order to ensure that that love endures. As a parent, if we understand that we love our children no matter what, but they don’t necessarily have to love us, that keeps the relationship healthy. We parents need to earn our children’s love by treating them well and showing them unconditional love. If we show them conditional love, however, we will damage our relationship with them.
After I finish telling my kids about how Mommy and Daddy love them unconditionally and what that means, they sometimes ask if we (meaning my wife and me) love each other unconditionally, too.
To that, I clearly say “No”.
Because the love between spouses is very conditional, AS IT SHOULD BE!
A healthy marital love has tons of conditions! But those conditions keep the love going. Spouses know that they need to treat each other in certain ways in order to maintain that love between them. The conditions keep them “honest”, as it were. Everyone knows love within a marriage can’t be taken for granted or just assumed that it will always be there.
You know the old saying that you choose your spouse every day? That applies here. Each day your spouse CHOOSES to be with you. And they choose to be with you because you provide something for them. They WANT to be with you. They LIKE being with you. They have made the choice because it benefits them. You have met, and continue to meet, their conditions.
Conditional love in a marriage ensures each partner is always working to maintain that love. If one person stops because they think that that love should be unconditional, then that love will fall apart.
I feel it’s important to explicitly tell my children that the love between Mommy and Daddy is conditional. It shows them that a healthy relationship doesn’t just happen. It shows them that every day Mommy and Daddy do things to express our love for each other.
“Thank you for cleaning up.” “I appreciate that you made dinner.” “Thank you for driving.” “You look great in that.”
The kids need to see the effort that both parents put into the relationship. They need to see how a healthy relationship is maintained. And the only reason it’s maintained is because its love is conditional.
Children need the comfort and peace-of-mind of knowing that their parents love them unconditionally while, at the same time, seeing that their parents understand that the relationship between the two of them needs constant tending. This is how the child will grow up with a robust self-esteem and know how to build and sustain good, healthy relationships. They need to be armed with the expectation that there will be conditions surrounding the love they encounter in other relationships. If they expect that their spouse will love them unconditionally (like Mommy and Daddy did) they will be ill-equipped to manage a healthy marriage.
Whether a particular love is conditional or unconditional determines if action is needed to maintain it in a relationship. Conditional love requires action. Unconditional love doesn’t.
If you understand that, then it will motivate you to continuously stoke the fire of the relationships which involve conditional love.
Understanding conditional love versus unconditional love is really all about knowing the rules of the game you’re playing. Too often people think that the “rules” for love are all generally the same and then they wonder why their relationships are strained.
