Keeping Up With The Heelers (Why It’s Ok To Not Play With Your Kids)
First off, I can’t claim ownership of the clever title of this article. “Keeping Up With The Heelers” was the title of a parenting reddit post I saw a few days ago. That post was about how on Earth the parents (surname: Heeler) in the cartoon, Bluey, afforded their big house and lots of nice things on their presumably modest salaries.
Sadly, I can’t find that post again in order to link to it. Oh, well. Also, the picture I used for this article was originally done by a reddit user named ElitoArt. They posted it here.
The reason I wanted to steal the title of that post for this article, though, was because I wanted to talk today about playing with our kids.
If you’re familiar with Bluey, which many of you are if you have school-age children, you know that the parents (Bandit and Chilli) constantly play with Bluey and Bingo. And I mean constantly. They basically enthusiastically go along with almost everything the children propose. That includes crazy things like mooning and/or tackling the neighbors (poor Lucky’s Dad) and licking the floor, all in the name of playing along with the children’s games. The show even shows the parents inserting themselves into their children’s games even when the kids are happily playing independently!
Obviously, I know that it’s all in order to make the show funny. And funny it is. But I sometimes think that the level of Bandit’s and Chilli’s participation in their children’s games sets an unrealistically high bar for us non-fictional, non-canine dads. It also gives children the unreasonable expectation that we adults will drop everything at once in order to play with them.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t really remember playing with my parents. I mean, I definitely remember them sometimes participating in games of mine and I definitely have fond memories of playing football or baseball in the backyard with my dad (starting around seven or eight years old), but when I was a kid, I never really thought of my parents as “playmates”.
Even if they participated now and then, it was never my first inclination to ask them to play with me. I have older siblings so my primary playmate was my sister who is four years older than me. If I was bored, it would have never occurred to me to ask my parents to play with me.
That never seemed problematic, though. Of course my parents didn’t really play with me much. They’re adults. They had other things to do. I realized that, even as a kid.
Which is why, now that I am a parent of two school-age boys, it strikes me as strange that the parents in Bluey play with their kids ALL THE TIME. It’s just not realistic. And yes, I realize that a show about talking dogs who have jobs is inherently unrealistic, but the show tackles a lot of very relatable issues. And kind of the whole premise of the show is how Bluey and Bingo learn through play. The realism and the truth are the show’s main pulls so it’s odd that they don’t show much of Bandit and Chilli saying to their kids, “No, I don’t want to play right now. Go play with your sister.” Or, “If you’re bored, go clean your room.”
How much should we play with our kids? Is it ok to NOT play with our kids?
There’s no right answer. As dads, we all have the pervasive feeling like we’re failing our kids all the time, even when we’re doing a great job. But I don’t think it’s healthy to lean into that anxious feeling and play with our kids at the expense of our own happiness.
But, does playing with your kids too much actually affect your happiness? That sounds a little extreme.
Yeah, but I think it’s at least somewhat accurate. There are plenty of times when my wife and I are in the kitchen chatting while my wife preps dinner. Sometimes my boys will come in and ask if I can play with them in their rooms. And, in instances like those, I usually say no. At that point, my wife and I are reconnecting after a long day. I’d rather chat with her than play their game because I’m a grown man and having a conversation with my wife is more enjoyable than sitting on the carpet among a pile of toys.
And that’s the way it should be, in my opinion. I shouldn’t want to adjourn to the other room in the middle of a conversation with my wife.
Do I like playing with my kids? Absolutely! But not all the time. And that’s ok. It doesn’t have to be all the time.
Playing with your kids all the time actually stunts their creativity. They need to be a little bored sometimes. Those are the times when they can really flex their imaginations. It’s useful for them to be able to exist without constant entertainment. It’s like when I wrote in my article about ditching your phone addiction that you should be able to be content with your own mind without the constant stimulation from your phone. Likewise, your kids should be able to devise their own games without your help or input.
Obviously, I don’t think that your kids wanting to play with you is equal to being addicted to a phone. My point is that it’s ok, and actually quite healthy, to allow your children some time to play without you. You do not need to feel obligated to play with them all the time. So, don’t feel like you’re a crap dad simply because you don’t feel like playing with them at Bluey levels of participation/enthusiasm.
Because, honestly, we dads have stuff to do! We need to empty the dishwasher and get dinner sorted and do the grocery shopping and clean the kitchen. That doesn’t even take into account things that we actually WANT to do like work out, read, or spend time with our spouses. Those things are important and we can’t neglect them.
Your kids would rather have a happy, well-adjusted, not-super-stressed-out dad who doesn’t play with them 24/7 than a disengaged, stressed dad who plays with them whenever they demand it because he feels obligated.
That all said, I love playing with my boys. But when I play with them, I try to make it intentional. I try to make sure my participation in the games helps them with some fundamental skill like teamwork or staying calm in the face of adversity and things like that. And yes, I get that my presence, itself, is healthy for them, which is why I do play the silly games now and then. But those games are only for a little while before I let them know that Daddy is going to go do something else. And my boys are ok with that. They understand that grown-ups can’t just play all day.
We have come a long way since our parents’ time. My mom said my dad never changed one diaper. He had three kids. Parenting has changed a great deal in the past forty years or so. We all remember the cars with no seatbelts, people smoking everywhere, and not a bike helmet in sight.
And I bet there are plenty of things from your childhood that you vowed to do or not do when you eventually became a parent. That’s good. But I’m not sure the reluctance of our parents to play with us was such a bad thing. I think it established some healthy boundaries and allowed children (us) to be kids without incessant adult interference.
Earlier this week my son asked me why I don’t play with toys like he does and why I like boring stuff. I told him I absolutely played with many of those same kinds of toys when I was a kid, but as you get older your tastes change. I reminded him that the toys he had when he was two wouldn’t interest him now that he’s eight.
The point was that people at different ages aren’t supposed to like the same things. Therefore, it’s ok if we dads don’t really feel like playing kids’ games.
It’s ok for a parent to not play with their kids all the time. I play with my kids because I love being with them, but I could usually take or leave the actual game itself. Some games interest me much more than others. I am always up for playing catch or a game of chess, for example.
Why are we so nervous about how much time we spend with our kids? I don’t think older generations gave it this much thought. Worrying about if we are spending enough time with our kids is just one of the many anxieties that come with being a parent. Because of that, there is no amount of time you spend playing with your kids that will feel like “enough”. Just like there is no amount of Christmas presents that will feel like “enough”. There is no amount of hugs or snuggles that will feel like “enough”.
I’m sure Bandit and Chilli don’t even feel like they spend enough time with their kids (pups). So, my advice is to play as many games as you want, but don’t beat yourself up if sometimes you just don’t feel like it.
If you feel like you need to play with your kids all the time to consider yourself a good dad, that’s fine, but you’ll never catch me playing Dance Mode in public.
