Don’t Put Your Jeans In The Freezer, You Weirdo!

Ok, this is something that I thought was debunked years ago, but apparently, still needs to be addressed since I STILL see it pop up on social media now and again (even on accounts that have otherwise really solid content!).

There are people out there who think it’s ok to put their jeans in the freezer in order to clean them.

Yes, I know it sounds stupid… because it is.

If you’re not familiar with this “advice” then congratulations! And I’m sorry that I have made you dumber for bringing it to your attention.

This little nugget of wisdom sprang up around the time men started getting serious about their jeans.

I mean… really serious.

Like, paying many hundreds of dollars for mass-produced, cotton, work pants just because the brand name sounded vaguely Japanese.

Usually, it had to do with raw denim jeans. As in, the pants weren’t pre-washed before the customer bought them (like they normally are for the pants we Proles wear). The idea, as you’re probably aware, is that the dye in the raw denim will bleed and fade as you wear it and, over time, it will create a cool fading pattern that’s unique to your body.

Which does actually happen. But… you don’t need raw denim in order to do it. Any pair of jeans will fade if you wear it enough. But anyway…

So, because the dye in the jeans has a tendency to bleed (because it hasn’t been washed), these men were in a bit of a pickle.

How should they clean their raw denim jeans?! They couldn’t put them in the regular ol’ washer/dryer because that would disrupt their fading journey that they’d been working so hard on!

So, they started putting their jeans in the freezer. The thought was that freezing the jeans would kill the bacteria that had built up from wearing them over and over again. Then they could remove their ostensibly clean jeans from the freezer and continue wearing them without worrying about messing up their killer fades.

I’m going to stop right here and ask a question of the audience.

Has anyone out there ever owned a refrigerator or a freezer?

Literally everyone? Excellent! That means you should know that FREEZING BACTERIA DOES NOT KILL IT!

I can’t believe I have to say that.

Freezing bacteria doesn’t kill it. It just slows its growth. That’s why food will continue to go bad once you thaw it out.

In order to get the benefits of freezing the bacteria, these men would have to wear their jeans while they were still frozen!

I actually brought this up to a good friend of mine recently while we were out to dinner. She is a scientist and a literal expert in bacteria. I told her that there are some men who freeze their jeans in order to “clean” them. You know how she reacted when I told her that?

She laughed her ass off!

She also said that some bacteria actually thrive in low temperatures!

Also, it needs to be said that if you’re at the point where you are doing something deranged like putting your clothes in the freezer because you’re afraid of “ruining” them in some way… then you need to consider whether or not you’ve jumped the shark on this whole “menswear” thing.  

Remember, clothes are just the tools we use on the adventures of life. They aren’t the adventures themselves.

If you’re out living your life, your jeans (yes, even your $30 Walmart jeans) are going to fade and develop a patina that’s unique to you EVEN IF you chuck them in the washer/dryer after every few wears. If you’re so scared of ruining your jeans that you’re putting them in the freezer, you are focusing too much on the clothes, themselves, and not what you are doing in your clothes.

Put down your phone, get off Instagram and TikTok, stop buying so much useless crap, and go out and live your life!

Also, how many pairs of jeans do you have? If you have one or two, then those will develop cool creases and fade pretty quickly. But if you own ten pairs, then none of them will ever break in the way you want them to because you’ll never wear any one pair enough.

Clothes are great and all, but we need to stop before we become too fussy or fastidious. Wearing your jeans is attractive, but worrying so much about your jeans that you put them in the freezer isn’t.

If my wife ever saw me putting my jeans in the freezer, she’d have me sent to the funny farm! And rightly so.

So, c’mon guys, let’s think critically about the stupid crap we see on the internet. And beyond that, let’s not get SO wrapped up our clothes that was start doing borderline-crazy things that we’d be embarrassed to mention at parties.