The Light Is Already Within You

Anyone who has read some of the content on this site knows that I have struggled with anxiety for my whole life. Part of why I choose to share that part of my life with the world is because I hope it provides some solace and comfort to others who might be feeling the same way. Because when I was younger, one of the scariest things I thought about was how I must be the only one who thinks this way!

Of course, that’s not the case. Anxiety is incredibly common and none of is ever alone.

Living with the constant ache of anxious thoughts has definitely affected how I go through my day-to-day life. I tend to be cautious and somewhat reserved in new situations or around new people. I can be moody if I get “in my head” too much. I like my solitude. Some of this is just my baked-in personality, but I suspect a good chunk of it is my brain’s way of keeping calm. Unfortunately, sometimes my anxiety strikes out of nowhere like a rattlesnake.

When I was little, I was “shy”. As an adult, I’m an “introvert”!

For better or worse, when I was young, I realized I had talent in a handful of areas that were certainly NOT conducive for my shy, anxious disposition. Introverts should be good at things like math, statistics, or coding. Stuff that doesn’t require too much inter-personal interaction.

What did I happen to be good at? Singing.

One of the reasons I liked singing was because it brought me a ton of positive attention. It also made meeting people much easier for me. It’s actually how my wife and I met in college.

So, I always knew that singing and performing were “good” for me, since they forced me to break out of my shell for little snippets of time, but I was always so relieved when a performance was over!

Performing always felt a bit dissonant with who I was and I always felt like I was “forcing it”. On the one hand, I loved the applause and compliments. On the other hand, I dreaded actually having to do it. After each performance I always thought, “Thank goodness, I never have to do this again.”

But something interesting happened one day after one particular performance…

I was in my early-twenties and living in New York City. I was working with a voice teacher who periodically hosted workshops with all her students. She would rent out some big space and invite about ten of us to perform a song or two we had been working on recently. Everyone who was performing was free to invite guests to come watch. So, each workshop consisted of an audience of about two-dozen other singers and their friends.

Of course, I was nervous as hell beforehand. Even though I performed countless times in front of people, I never shook those pre-performance nerves. I don’t even remember what song I did. But something interesting happens when you perform… if you’re like me, you start off very stiff… you can barely bring yourself to look out into the audience… your body feels like it’s not actually attached to your brain. After a few minutes, though, you start to get warm… the stage begins to feel familiar and comfortable… you’re not afraid to try things… your confidence builds because you see someone in the audience smile or hear them whisper something nice about you to the person sitting next to them. After a few minutes, it’s as if you have shaken free of the cold, crusty husk that enveloped you when you first walked on stage.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of performing my song a couple times and working through some notes from my teacher, the audience clapped politely and I sat back down to watch the other singers.

Nothing extraordinary happened. I didn’t perform some show-stopper. I didn’t get any gushing praise. I just did my best and that was it.

But on my way home, I felt like my feet weren’t touching the sidewalk. I smiled at everyone. Made small talk. I practically clicked my heels as I floated along. I felt like rays were shooting out of my body like I was the Ark of the Covenant.  

I couldn’t contain this radiance I suddenly felt. It was like the lighthouse keeper had switched on the lantern and I was beaming at all the passing ships. I felt like I had shed my snakeskin and everyone was seeing the real me.

It certainly was a “high” if I’ve ever felt one, but I felt a real sense of authenticity. I wasn’t going through the rest of my day with my head down, in a fog, like I always did. For one of the first times in my life, I felt comfortable with myself. I actually felt like myself.

Once I realized how good I felt, I knew it wouldn’t last for long. Extreme feelings, whether good or bad, never last and I knew I would return to my own version of homeostasis shortly. When I did, I took a moment to take stock of what had happened. Feeling that good was not normal for me and, while I always felt a surge of adrenalin and some giddiness after a performance, I had never felt it like this.

And what surprised me the most was that this wasn’t a “real” performance. It wasn’t in front of hundreds of people. I didn’t have orchestral accompaniment. It was just a workshop. What made this so different from all the other performances I had done in my life up to that point?

Honestly, I don’t know. But I think my powers of introspection were a bit sharper at that point in my life, so I was able to identify how I felt with more precision.

What I found so surprising about this event was the realization that this light was already within me! I was legitimately shocked that I was even capable of feeling that good. And it wasn’t like I saved a busload of puppies or something else that would justify this level of euphoria, I had simply sung a song a couple of times in front of a handful of people I didn’t know in a bland rented space in midtown, then left and went about my day.

And that’s the point of this whole story! The light is already within you! It’s there! It’s waiting to be uncovered and shine brightly! You just need to find whatever it is that brings out THAT part of your personality.

I remember after that day I thought to myself that the people I love deserve to see that part of me. Since now I knew that that WAS part of me, I needed to cultivate it so I could share it. I was capable of such warmth and positivity that it would be irresponsible to not seek out the things that spark that light within myself. My loved ones deserve THAT guy.

Finding those things is difficult, though. What I’ve discovered is that to feel that good, you need to do something equally challenging. It’s not just going to come out of nowhere. For me, I was always super nervous before performing so I was already full of heightened emotions. And honestly, I haven’t found anything else that brought out THAT kind of light in me.

But there is worth in remembering that moment. Because now I can commit to finding that light again. It probably won’t be in performing, though, (given the aforementioned discord with my personality) and I am not sure where I’ll find it, but I am going to begin looking for it.

And that’s what I encourage you to do with me… start searching for the thing that sparks that light. Because that light IS within you. It’s part of your personality. Right now, it might only be 0.001% but that will increase once you find your “thing”. You owe it to your wife and kids to uncover that light and show it to them. Show them what kind of man you can be!

The searching will undoubtedly lead you down some strange paths. But if you’re not experiencing that light now, or don’t think you’re capable of feeling that way, the path you’re currently on isn’t the right one for you.

Now, this all might seem a little intimidating. And it should be! Because doing something challenging and maybe a little scary is how you’re going to uncover your light.

You’re not meant to live out the rest of your life in a general malaise. You deserve to see (and feel) your true potential!